Such a bright and sunny day

I watched my nephew Jovas grow up from a month old baby to pre schooler. I have had the opportunity to observe a little human being, grasp th difficulties of walking. It was ardous in the beginning, lotsa of stumbles, plenty of unexpected jerks and falls not to mention. There was however, lotsa encouragement around. Everytime he took a steady step, there was a raucous cheer, an enraptuous applause...

Taking a small step for a baby was momentous, so hard and so difficult...

How ironic.

I have forgotten how it felt learning how to walk. But thats not the piece of memory which i yearn to reminisce about. It was the "okay, it is alright"s, "don't give up, we are behind you"s that are sorely lacking.

I can now run faster and longer than any precedented point in my life. I do 10km runs routinely in my week and i take them as a cinch now. But what does that means for me? A similar astronomical rise in expectations for myself? Expectations which i have for myself. Expectations which the rest of the world have for me.

When i was expected to walk a few steps and stumble the couple others, i am now expected to take as large, as quick a stride as possible. Run for my life. Nobody expects me to fall down. There isn't an ounce of breathing space left. I have expanded as quick as the paradigm. What if i fall? There is not whatifs.

The truth is that i have fallen and knocked my senses askance. Miserable and disorientated. Am i running in circles? I am not too sure. It sure looks like a pretty sight, a myriad of flashes, an eclectic mix of hedonism and extravagance given to abandon. A kaleidoscope if you would like. The past weaves in freely like birds of paradise and inter mingle with my imaginative future leaving the present a bewildered puddle of a mess. Which is which? it doesn't make sense to differentiate and impose discrete boundaries any longer. The past can repeat itself and perpeptuate itself in the present and beyond into the future. The present is a repeat of the past and a forecast of the future. The future is a murky extrapolation of whats happening now and a mere trendline of the past.

The human is such a fickle concept. What counts as determination? A person who appears to give in readily to demands and yet have the mental strength to push through punishing physical routines where others would have gladly yield? What do we use as a means of judging if everything is relative? Who are we to say that it is right to use a particular thing as a reference measure and not others?