Untitled

I shall keep this entry simple so as to save people the trouble of having to refer to Dictionary.com now and then...

Sometimes i wonder about the change that i'm going through. It courses through my veins and throbs with my every breath just like a demon lurking within me. Sometimes my heart heaves with ache and at these times, i felt for sure that the demon is going to swallow my heart and consume every ounce of humanity that's still residing in my shell.

Oddly though, i now react more vehemently to anything that waft strongly of emotions. I find myself listening more carefully to the lyrics of soulful songs and i literally soak myself in the rich emotions conveyed through the medium of sound. Film experience for me is even worse. with the application of not just one but two senses ardently tuned into the reverberations of the film, i find myself perched precariously between reality and the surreal. Despite my resolve to remain balanced, many a times i find myself freefalling mindlessly into the bottomless pits of irrationality.

I have often reproach myself for such unbecoming behaviour but to no avail. In the end, i discovered that the cause of my languishing was due to a very simple reason- my inability to let go...

My brief relationship with her would always remain as a mystery to me, baffling me to as why it came like a tsunami and disappeared just as forcefully and quickly, draining me of every bit of comprehension. It's been two years but i still have strange dreams. In all of them, the same scene plays out over and over again with kaleidoscopic effect. I was in a dark room and suddenly a very warm light comes on. Then she comes in, a distant apparition dancing with rich and creamy veils drapped mysteriously all over her. As i ran over to her, she disappeared and the light goes out...

I'm baffled... really i am. For so long, i have abide by my belief that i do not have what it takes to love again, a conclusion that i chose to draw from that affair. It hurts and stings so. But even as i voluntarily drape and cuff myself with burdens of handcuffs and chains, something within me remains defiant to my will. It beckons me to drop the past. Drop it all, like a brillant glassball that shatters on impact which produce an even more brillant scene of shimmery. Yes, this lone voice is getting more defiant than ever.

Even as i restrain myself to abstain from the lure of love affairs, i find myself edging ever closer to it, like a besotted fool. I discover that i have been harbouring an insidous hope that was unknown even to my steeled self. A hope that burns brightly, albeit flickering. A hope that a someone is still out there with both of us bidding out time respectively with no idea of what's going to happen next...

Should i listen to the defiant voice?