yours sociologically ;)

sometimes life is a very weird thing. Or rather society is a very weird thing. I can't communicate with it. And this is being proclaimed with grand aplomb amidst the backdrop of the wizardry of communication gadgets we now have at our disposals. It really does befuddles me especially when you consider the fact that the society at large really is made of people, by and large, like me, human flesh and bone and all.

I am a social and not a very social person at the same time. I am social in the sense that i experience social withdrawal symptoms (which means that i have problems living a life of a hermit) I have a phobia of being left alone. I wont say that it is chronic but it did stem from a particularly harrowing episode in early childhood. And so i was, a 4 year old boy waiting for school to end in kindergarten. I had the runs and so i went for the loo, without seeking permission. I heard the lot belt out the ditty "Say goodbye to everyone, everyone, everyONE etc etc " so i knew they were getting ready to leave. But my stomach wouldn't agree. So i was stuck in for a long time. And when i finally came out, the usually bright and cheery classroom was transformed into a twisting labyrinth of darkness and dankness. I managed to get to the front door. But this door was shut and locked and i just couldn't yank it open. And all the while i thought i heard Mohmoh stirring somewhere in the darkness. I was crying for mummy. And so it came to pass, that my phobia for being alone was cemented.

I remember vividly in lower secondary school that we have this very unique practice during Arts exam. People can leave after the 2nd hour if they feel like it. It sort of tells me the attitude that the school has towards Art, CMC CMC (can means can, cannot means cannot). Usually i start to have sweaty palms when i get the visual cue of people leaving. The dragging of chairs, the packing of paraphernalia and whatsnot. It disrupts the train of thought and send it into a frenzy.

I am not social in a sense that i cant really relate to the ground thinking of my peers in my cohort. I sometimes randomly think that i am sort of an enigma, someone caught between eras. Whether thats the case or not, i will never know. But i have been labelled weird, sadly. But it was true that my social standing in terms of likability wasn't something i was proud of, be it in primary, secondary or junior college. But i am glad that i have a small core of understanding folks who can take my nonsense time to time. If you are thinking i am reserved, well at certain times i am not. I tend to swing from one extreme end to another for god knows why. Perhaps i have been wired to be like that. you cant actually give an answer for something so fundamentally in you right? well at least i see it this way. I hope you do too.

I wonder if there is ever a proper feedback channel from society regarding self that one can use. If there ever was one already in place since time immemorial, i am sorry. It was just plainly lost on me. It is just like if you ever tried pointing me some random squirrel on a random tree. I probably spend some downtime thinking where on earth is the fellow. And you would probably be quite mad at me. back to the feedback mechanism. I dont want to hide this but all my life i have been fighting to prevail against the negative feelings that arise when i get to know people's opinions about me. I dont take very well to the comments, somewhat hard but all the same, very affected. I have spending alot effort trying to override this thing in me. It is something you can just will it away. I see it as my Achilles's heel as much as everyone pretty much have one too.

The problem that arise when you tend to consider other people's thoughts in earnest is that you have to spend time evaluating the worthiness of those opinions. This is so to prevent the possibility of taking someone's words for real when it is being said off the cuff for example. However evaluation of this kind as good as having a smart guess. Really, your guess is as good as mine and so it takes alot of brainpower processing this bit here. Then the attention shifts to another pain in the butt, evaluating the need to assimilate it. And all the while, i haven't quite forgot that i am capable of sensing feedback from others, body language, tone etc etc. Now when all of these humongous information comes in, it really is a mess to sort especially when opinions clash. Which one should be ranked higher in consideration, which shouldn't be. Sadly, i dont have the computing power of a quadcore processor so sometimes my mind ends up in knots (geek speak: BSOD)

Einstein talked about change being the only constant, i suppose i have no option but to submit. But he was speaking of change in terms of the big picture wasn't he? After all, he was living in an era of rapid change? He probably witnessed the depravity of humanity in the pits of the Great Depression, the ugly face of destruction of the Second World War, the rapid technological transformations that undertook the world subsequently and the social changes that swept the world in its wake.

How about change for a person? If a change was to bring about good, would it be good. I think it would. However if this piece of goodness came at the price of a loss of something else? How are we going to weigh the losses and gains? If you know (which anyway is irrelevant because it is a fact anyway) that changing will de-"unique"-sise you, would you still go ahead? Would you rather be a cookie cut cookie, fair and square as much as others like you to be, or be someone else different? For me i dont see the answer as being easy to see, there are times when i think being different is a good thing while there are others when you would just feel like losing yourself in the crowd. I think you get the drift.