Urong, if you were thinking last weekend when was my promised entry going to come, it's here finally. So much for better late than never i suppose... Let me start off this entry with a musing i had before when i was still a child.
One day when i was gazing into the mirror, being the fascinated child i was, i wondered for a second how i will turn out to be five years or even 10 years later. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine. Of course, my unsteady imagination wasn't able to conjure up a rational image of any sorts. I recalled then that i had a weird penchant for spectacles. I was spellbound by them as they seemed to have an ability to cast a look of erudition on the wearer. Sigh, how superficial i was then...
If then, i had the ability to see what I am like now, i'm pretty sure that i might be shellshocked beyond belief. It's inevitable given that circumstances in the army has gradually propel me towards to the path of being a metrosexual. And i see a shellshocked face in the form of you, the reader.
Mark Simpson first coined the term "metrosexual" back in 1994. Metrosexuality to Mark spelt the end of 'sexuality'." He goes on to say that when it comes to metros, sexuality "is utterly immaterial because the metrosexual has taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual aim. Despite this, i am utterly sure that i am still pretty sure that I am eons away from becoming a full-fledged one, something which i hope will never happen. I had explained earlier on that circumstances in the army had created an environment which made it inevitable for me not to make the transition. In case you were entertaining doubts over my sexual orientation, i am still very much a plain heterosexual thank you.
Many of my friends would have known by now my appointment in Mt Barebones. So i guess there isn't even a need to give any scant background information. One of the major drawback to my appointment is the sheer isolation that accompanies it. Being in my own office that is closed off to most but one person, there is little chance for me to interact on a regular basis unless I proactively approach others. Even so, this is subject to my tasking requirements. If the situation doesn't permit it, i would then have to remain in my ivory tower for the whole day. As a result of this, the radio, the computer, the ubiquitous book have become my best friends in Mt Barebones. The only time i could possibly interact with others is during mealtimes, which sadly amounts to nothing more than just small talk.
As you would expect, this gradually resulted in me becoming a more withdrawn personality but by no means, subdued as the days went past. The days were excruciating long and difficult to pass. I sometimes wonder if God subjected me to this form of solitary confinement to me so as to let me realise that a healthy social life is very much tied to a healthy social circle. Yet, his message seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. My ears.
The past one year in Mt Barebones has been tough but i have become used to this boring existence. If I had proven to outsiders to be a domineering personality who likes to do everything by himself in the past, this one year has caused me to believe even more in myself. My distrust or perhaps my self-belief has been inflated beyond healthy proportions.
I do work alone in my own capacity, dine alone, read the newspapers alone and exercise by myself. In fact, there are several occasions which i really believe that i am living in my own world in Mt Barebones. I used to be an insecure individual who struggled to accept myself for who i am. I wouldn't go as far as to say that i have overcome whatever glaring dislikes i once i had for myself but it's now a fact that i have passed over this phase of merely hating myself for whatever perceived flaws i have. Maroon a guy on a deserted island. A day or two and you might still catch the fella screaming his lungs against Heavens for bestowing a solitary confinement on him but take a look a few weeks later and you will see the change in attitude. He's gone beyond blaming his fate. Most likely, he's busy gathering materials on the island that can be improvised for his lonesome survival on the island.
Similarly, I think that it's no longer of much use to complain and lament for whatever flaws I have on myself. It's time to move one and do something more constructive. In my context, this translates to doing something about my flaws. Reduce the extent of the flaw, think up of some fixes that can hide or even subdue the flaw. Through this long journey, i have discovered that it provide a greater sense of satisfaction and achievement to work out something nice from what was originally full of flaws. Compare to someone who has never had any major flaws to begin in the first place, I think I have gained much more than this particular individual. And most importantly, I have become an individual who has learned to love himself even more and someone who is more confident.
Are you confused? It seems at first that i have described that being in Mt Barebones was a bane, that is my unwanted gradual transformation to a metrosexual right? Yet i ended positively by glossing over whatever i have gained? Haha... What i simply meant is that being in Mt Barebones has taught me to be more confident and love myself more. However, what will happen if one keeps on loving oneself more and more and gain endless self-confidence? Certainly you can tell that it will not be a good development since everything is supposed to be in moderation. Thus the bad thing is that my continued lonesome existence might caused me to become a metrosexual or so I logically deduce...
So much for my first point on why i can't wait to end my commitment... The next reason is actually linked to the first reason. That i can't stand sharing communal bedroom with other people and not to mention communal toilets... I think that it's a serious bother to tolerate other people making a loud banter, a noisy radio as well as -___- snores while trying to sleep. And you can imagine the reasons for me to have a serious reservation against using a communal restroom.
And next, i am really really sick and tired of having my weekends ruined by having to return on Sunday nights to Mt Barebones! And as if that wasn't enough, there are inconsiderate people who repeatedly arrange get-togethers/outings on Sundays despite knowing that I can't make it. Super irritating...
And on of the biggest reasons that make existence in Mt Barebones a drag is the need to stay in Mt Barebones 24/5. Because of this, quality family time has suffered and so has the time when i can go out with my friends. Can't go home, got to eat yucky food all day long, can't sleep in my own comfortable bed, can't do the things i really want to do... And not to mention that there are full of nasty, cynical people around who will pounce on you the moment you let down your guard. What a bother!
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