...

Though it's a contradiction, i admit now that i do have something to say. I would like to know who is the person who termed National Service as the rites of passage for males residing in Singapore. Not that i will use violence on him, i just want to ask him some questions.

Why did he think that NS is a rite of passage to him? Though i sound like an ardent opposer of this statement at this point in writing, the truth is that i'm still undecided. It's been one long year. A miserably hard one to pass, that is. If NS is indeed a rite of passage for me, then why do i feel that i'm sliding backwards into childhood in terms of behaviour and thinking?

Maybe that person will reveal to me that i'm not feeling puzzled for nothing. Maybe he will tell me that indeed he experienced the same process when he was in National Service. But what if he don't and laugh it off?

Something bad happened at home on Sunday. It was something i would rather not happened. It is just those kind of things that you wished hadn't happened at all and you just sit down in a corner, thinking and wondering why it did happen. My thought on National Service and this latest saga are linked in case you are wondering, at least i think they have something to do with each other. The frequency of such dreadful events have been increasing ever since i enlisted. If National Service is indeed a rite of passage, then why did i still react the way i did and caused the same preventable thing to happen over and over again? If it really was a rite of passage, why hadn't i shape up in terms of maturity and been cool-headed to avert this thing for once and for all. For goodness's sake, i'm approaching twenty years in age. I am leaving adolescence forever this year but mentally am i making the switch, i'm doubtful.

If my family members are disappointed, sad and angry with me then i think i'm more sore and mad at myself. It seems that i will never get my act together. Last night i was asking Urong-san, am i an evil person? I concluded that indeed i am a ruffian after the consultation. Sigh... What simply happened? The bad episodes simply mushroommed after enlisting. Am i being wrong by eschewing the excuse that National Service is the reason? People did say that NS is a rite of passage right?

If you think that this entry is chaotic and full of angst then i can tell you that you are every bit correct. Sometimes i became worried out of a sudden and think. Supposedly, i will never be able to break out of this. What will happened? Urong-san, i thought about your theory of Genetic memory and i'm petrified by that idea. It is simply horrifying.

Well... Maybe i should just grow up. Maybe i should just clean up my act once and for all. I should quit acting the spoiled brat and trash that moody look on my face forever. But would I really be able to get myself up proper this time round?