The Undeserving Friend

Danqing sent a text message on Saturday morning. In it, he asked whether i was going to SITEX with Rye and all. I deliberated for a moment...

On one hand, it seemed too good to miss. An annual extravaganza filled things that i'm interested in and possibly with many great offers and buys... On the other hand, i was apprehensive about it...

Will i end up walking around aimlessly again? I was once a avid subscriber to the theory that a chance to spend time with your friends is a chance too good to miss... Now, i'm not so sure if i would want to continue with the subscription. I strongly believe that it's not their fault that i've come to such a conclusion because i think the real reason is within me.

Whenever i go out with many people, i have an obligation to meet. An obligation to see that everyone's interests are met and no one feels left out etc. I got to clarify on this a bit.. Not that i see myself as a service provider who goes around seeing if things are going awry or anything. Rather i see myself as yet another participant like everyone else who is expected to contribute something. No.. i'm not implying that anyone is asking for anything from me but it's just that, you just got to have that obligation in front of so many people, simply out of goodwill...

I used to think that this obligation was nothing, no bother really.. a pittance if you want me to elaborate... the sheer pleasure of going out with friends was really more than enough to compensate for that give...

But now, as of late, i've grown increasing weary. No longer do i derive much joy from going out. Alarmingly, the obligation has grown to weigh ever more deeply on my shoulders. I began to baulk. The need and reason to present a pleasant front dwindle... Hairline cracks are appearing. The bad side is getting the better of me...

After a while, i replied to Danqing.

You guys go on
without me as i
have no compelling
reasons to go...
Maybe next year...

On hindsight, reading the message that i sent filled me with unease. Some sort of a premonition.

Maybe they would really go on without me in the end...