Realisation dawns on me

I thank you very much urong, for having let upon me realisation. I have finally awoken from a slumber that should have ceased a long time ago. I was for a fortnight, torn asunder by 4 conflicting and incoherent thoughts in my mind.

My father scolding me for my terrible temper. "You often said that 5 days of Army is annoying, then why do you ruin the weekend for yourself and for others? What's the point of having a weekend then?"

A distant memory of myself still in vestiges of childhood on a typical outing with my family. The scene is always the same. In Marina Square in the now-defunct K Mart. I was so happy then with no worries or whatsoever.For some reasons, the deaprtmental store loved to broadcast MLTR and Spice Girl hits.

I'm looking back on my strangely empty old house. A house i called home for so long, strangely forlorn and barren. I don't want to leave with its trappings of dust and nostalgic memories. I don't want to go.

A much recent me also in a typical outing. However the circumstances are different, much more. I'm more grave in expression, burdened with worries. No sign of happiness on my face. And there is a molten knot in the pit of my stomach, urging me to go home.

The realisation that dawned on me courtesy of You Rong is that my recent frustration accompanied with temperamental and eccentric behaviour is all got to do with my valiant attempt to recapture the feel of my childhood. That wonderful time that is best represented by those numerous outings i had in my childhood, something like thought no. 2.

Indeed, my friends and parents were not wrong in saying that i love going out too much. I used to believed so. Now that i'm sure of my visceral thoughts, it's not what as they and i have previously though. I never thoroughly enjoyed going out. I finally understood the inner purpose of my fervent desire to go out. That is to recapture the outing i had as a child. Vain attempt though, i tried seeking it and never once did i give up. Hoping that i would someday strike on the magical combination of different variables that will work to bring back that old magic, i never gave up.

Perhaps, it's time to give up. I'm tired searching for that combination. Those times will exist for me in memories and that's all i can say to the greedy subconscious within me.

It's pointless to go out further frequently thus. So my friends, i guess this will mean that you shall see lesser of me in the days to come and maybe this will be permanent. My search has exerted a toll on myself such that i have failed to grasp and comprehend myself properly in the rapid swirl of changes in teenagehood. I have invested too much resources on this vain search. It is time to stop. Enough has been said thus far.