Sometimes i wonder if i'm going to die (choy!) the next moment. I say this not because i have a pessimistic outlook on life. Neither am i a fella who has seen the world so thorough, so as to speak, that life is merely the beginning of the end...
They say that funny things happen at the moment of impending death like the occurence whereby memories of the past will run through themselves in the mind. Events and all, seemingly get unearthed from some deep corners in the mind, untouched and forgotten for so long.
It happen to me sometimes. i wonder if that count as such or if it's normal. Like an engaged member of the audience, i get thoroughly absorbed into the surreal settings of the "film". Griping in embarrassment from some awkward moments in life, squirming in fear on recall of some of the most hair-raising times. Totally into it.
For one reason or another, a "quicktime" of the events leading to and after my Grandfather's death seems to be my Subconscious's favourite these days... (i hope you are listening, subconscious..)
Like the footage of amatuer video, the whole feel of it is grainy and sketchy. Being the absorbed audience, i was frequently riveted and thrown about from dishevelled and disjointed frames.
But like certain scenes from a movie will stick in the mind of one for a long time, this film did have its haunting moments...
Everybody in mourning attire accompanying the hearse, sobbing and crying and there my dad and i were... Stoic and bloodshot as one would expect of the eldest son and eldest grandson throughout the last journey... The scene had a special close up on me. I wonder if that has a special meaning.
The other haunting moment was the duration at the Crematorium in Mt Vernon. As the entire entourage settled in waiting for administrative matters to be resolved, my dad suddenly broke into uncontrollable cries. Very soon we were at the viewing gallery, witnessing the coffin being placed into the furnace. It was absymal and horrifying for me... The Bangalas simply slammed the coffin into the burner. I was too shellshocked to do anything. A life that once was and ceased to be, snuffed out just like that. Not that the rest of my relatives were stunned. They were equally quick with their crying. There was a distinct amplifying of the crying at the exact moment the coffin was unceremoniously heaved in...
It was a downward spiral next... I experience a sudden frame shift and the surroundings warped into a deathly black with the crying of my relatives grotesquely marred... and i was still shellshocked...
It is an understatement to say that it is a recurring nightmare.
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